baby = parasite
Patient (Jill): My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I’ve been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I’m overtraining; I’m doing the marathon, like, ten miles a day, [House looks tired] but I can’t seem to lose any weight.
House: Lift up your arms. [She does so.] You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. [She lies back, and still has her hands up.] You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states. [He starts to ultrasound her abdomen.]
House: Dont worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites
House: [shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes. [It’s a baby!]
Jill: But… that’s impossible.
House: Well, I assume you weren’t getting your period. Maybe that should have give you an inkling.
Jill: But I’m on this birth control implant…
House: Yeah, I know. I saw the scar on your arm.
Jill: …and my doctor said I might not get any periods at all if it was working.
House: Mm hmm. Interestingly enough, you also don’t get any periods if it isn’t working, which is why you were supposed to get regular pregnancy tests. [Jill makes a pained face.] I’m going to send a nurse in here to schedule your prenatal care. You’re due in about five months, so start planning the shower.
Jill: Um, Doctor? Please. Me and my husband wanted to have a kid soon, but… oh, God. Like four months ago we had this really big fight. [House looks like he knows where this is going] He moved out. I did something stupid.
House: One-night stand?
House: I’ll schedule you a paternity test, too.
Jill: I can’t let my husband know.
House: Does the old boyfriend look like your husband?
Jill: [thinks a little] Yeah…
House: Then just have the kid. He’ll never know. The most successful marriages are based on lies. You’re off to a great start. [He leaves, Jill looks like she’s going to cry.]